


you gotta want my everything

by illay



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Aromantic, Demisexuality, M/M, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22961626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/illay/pseuds/illay
Summary: Guanheng sighs, “I know. I know. But it’s different with you. Of course, you love me. And I love you, too. But I mean like,” he pouts for a second, thinking - what even was supposed to be the difference? “Okay so, you love me and you always have. We’ve known each other since we were like two years old. But I mean, I never had anyone in my life who would like, like me for me, you know.”
Relationships: Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas
Comments: 11
Kudos: 35





	1. Guanheng

**Author's Note:**

> tldr; a demisexual and an aromantic pretend they're not in love.

🍏

They’re laying spread-eagle upside down to each other on Guanheng’s bed on a late afternoon, both focusing their attention on different nondescript pieces of the ceiling plaster chipping off, talking about everything and nothing, as they often do, when Guanheng lets out a pathetic whine worth of someone ten years younger than he is - something along the lines of no one will ever love me, boo hoo.

“I love you, dude! What the hell? You’re my best buddy. I can’t imagine my life without you. Never really could,” Yukhei says in a careful tone. He’s usually loud, some would even call him obnoxious, but the second Guanheng shows insecurity or fear, something (everything) about Yukhei turns two levels softer. Guanheng could never find the proper way to articulate how grateful he is for that.

Guanheng sighs, “I know. I know. But it’s different with you. Of course, you love me. And I love you, too. But I mean like,” he pouts for a second, thinking - what even was supposed to be the difference? “Okay so, you love me and you always have. We’ve known each other since we were like two years old. But I mean, I never had anyone in my life who would like, like me for me, you know.”

Yukhei frowns in concentration, “You don’t think I like you for you?” The confusion is apparent in his tone and although that would usually be cute, tonight Guanheng just gets a little irked by it.

He lets out a frustrated exhale, “That’s not what I’m saying. I just never had anyone having a crush on me.” Then, after a beat, in a much smaller voice, he adds, “And I just don’t think anyone ever would.”

Yukhei looks up at him, craning his neck towards Guanheng like sunflowers following the sun, eyes big and sparkly, hair flailing like a halo around the blanket under Yukhei’s head. “You’ll find someone,” he says after a beat of silence, solemn, before he averts his attention to the joint they’re about to share. “Besides, it’s not like you have to have someone before you’re twenty or you’re about to die alone, you know.”

Guanheng barks out a laugh. “Easy for you to say, mister popular among boys and girls!”

Yukhei shrugs, maybe a little smug, “I’m just approachable. That’s all. It makes no sense for all the people who claim to have a crush on me to actually, legitimately, have a crush on me. They don’t even know me usually and there’s nothing they might really be after. Besides my dashing looks of course.”

Guanheng can hear the playful pride in Yukhei’s voice and for some reason, it calms him down a little, makes him let his guard down for a second. “There’s plenty that people like you for, trust me.”

“Oh yeah?” Yukhei’s grin is audible and a little unbearable to Guanheng, he knows that teasing is about to ensue. “How would you know? You’re not in love with me, too, are you?”

“As if!” Guanheng laughs, masking the hiccup escaping his chest as it seizes. Thinking usually only of Yukhei when masturbating? Yes, sure. Being in love with him? Hell, no. Probably.

Yukhei smiles at the ceiling, puffing some smoke from the shared joint before passing it to Guanheng. “Good. That would make things awkward,” then he frowns, it’s easy to spot it in his tone, “As it always does.”

Guanheng just hums in agreement. He has no idea what it’s like for Yukhei, getting confessed to and even proposed (at the age of 19!) by virtual strangers, by people he casually dates or hooks up with. But he’s sure it’s not fun for Yukhei to have to turn everyone down.

“We’ll find you someone if you want,” Yukhei says after a bit.

“Huh?” Guanheng already forgot he was whining about having no one being in love with him like three minutes ago.

Yukhei pushes himself up onto his elbow, looking down at Guanheng, watching his face closely. “I’m serious. It can’t be that hard to find you a girl. With your looks, I mean,” he trails off as if to indicate Guanheng being attractive is obvious.

Guanheng can’t really focus on much more than the closeness of Yukhei’s face, the way the dark hair frames his weirdly intense expression when he’s bent forward like this. Guanheng can feel his face getting a bit warmer, it might be just Yukhei’s breath fanning over his cheeks. Probably.

He registers Yukhei smiling down at him then, eyes almost getting lost in small crescents. “What do you say? There has to be a full on line-up of girls thirsting for you, I guarantee that.”

Guanheng can’t take it and sits up abruptly, barely missing Yukhei’s head, leaving him to stare at his back, “No. No, that’s not what I want.” That’s the only thing he’s sure of - not wanting a random stranger for one night or whatever it is Yukhei is implying. “Also,” he half turns back to Yukhei, looking at him from the corner of his eye only, again shame and fear seeping into his voice, “I’m not sure I’d want it to be a girl,” he says with a shrug.

“Oh,” Yukhei’s face falls a little, mild surprise written in his features as he gives Guanheng a once-over, “Right. I mean, I think I knew, but I didn’t mean to assume before. But sure, that’s chill.”

Guanheng smiles to himself. Always can count on Yukhei to try and make him feel better, always handling everything about Guanheng with so much care that it’s sickening in a way.

He sits up properly, facing Yukhei now. With the remnants of courage the weed helps to supply he shoots back with a smile, “It’s not like you’ve never slept with boys though, right? I’m sure I’ve seen that Jungwoo kid dancing around you a lot this winter,” Guanheng wiggles his brow at Yukhei which earns him a gentle shove against his shoulder.

Despite being best friends since nursery school, there are things they haven’t really shared as they were growing up. Yukhei is still and always will be a big part of Guanheng’s life, but they never talked about crushes in high school. It started with Yukhei not sharing about the first confession he got in freshman year. Guanheng felt like maybe this topic is something private, so he let it be and usually learned about Yukhei’s admirers and girlfriends second-hand, just like the rest of the student body. It stung only for a bit.

Yukhei looks up at him, clears his throat, as if to untie a knot there, “Yeah, Jungwoo was really serious for a bit, until he wasn’t. Anyway, we didn’t sleep together. I don’t usually-, I don’t sleep with everyone I hook up with,” he drops his eyes to the sheets where he’s playing with a stray thread. His tone seems a little on the cautious side again, Guanheng wonders if it’s embarrassment or to spare either of their feelings for some reason. “I know my reputation says something else, and it never mattered to me. But,” he quickly looks up at Guanheng before averting his gaze again, “But I don’t want you to have the wrong idea about me,” he ends with a shrug.

“Ah, I see,” it’s Guanheng’s turn to speak carefully, almost like walking on eggshells, “I didn’t mean to assume anything either. And it would be totally chill if you did sleep with everyone you ever dated or whatever.”

Yukhei sends him a small smile, like he’s not sure if he should be smiling about this, “I’m glad that’s cleared up then.”

Just to change the topic, Guanheng asks, “Do you wanna stay the night?” as if it wasn’t customary for them to have sleepovers whenever possible. Especially now, last spring break of high school, they’ve been getting good use of their time - sleeping over at each other’s places more often than not.

“Do you even have to ask? Let’s bake these and then sleep?” Yukhei takes out three fresh joints from his pocket.

Guanheng flops back onto the bed, landing centimeters away from Yukhei’s shoulder. “Yeah, let’s do that,” he says while Yukhei is also resuming his position on the bed, laying upside down to Guanheng, their heads close enough for them to shotgun if they were to look at each other.

Getting high with Yukhei has always been one of Guanheng’s favorite pastimes. He doesn’t love sharing a drunk, high Yukhei with others at parties and such for some reason - he hasn’t really had the time or courage to figure out why exactly. But getting high with him in private feels great, like he can relax and not think of how dumbly, ridiculously hot his best friend is.

The thing about Guanheng is, he’s not sure about sexuality or wanting anyone in particular. To him, it’s about habit. He felt weird the first time he realized he found Yukhei really hot when he realized Yukhei is undeniably the sexiest man alive. All Guanheng’s pubescent brain could supply was gotta touch dick while thinking of him but never ever tell him don’t make it weird. So that’s what he’s been doing since 10th grade. It became a secret. But not really a dirty secret, it’s a secret Guanheng rationalized for himself: it’s natural he finds Yukhei attractive, because a) he is, and b) Guanheng’s used to him, he knows him - Yukhei is his safe space. Who else should he fantasize about?

So Guanheng tries not to think of Yukhei being stupidly hot too much. It doesn’t do him any good. And when they’re high, he doesn’t have to think of any of that; he’s just in the moment, with Yukhei laughing loudly right by his ear at whatever random shit they’ve been talking about, making Guanheng laugh like a madman in return as well.

“So, say, Guanheng,” Yukhei starts with his endless curiosity. Usually, after the second or third joint, his tongue unties and he has a lot of questions he’s been holding in. One autumn afternoon in sophomore year, they were getting considerably high behind the playgrounds and Yukhei let a torrent of questions leave his mouth at once, forgetting to breathe properly and thus getting a little red in the face. It was a bunch of questions about Guanheng’s visit to China over that summer, just asking about the most random stuff.

So now, Guanheng is ready for something similar. He can hear Yukhei inhaling deeply before letting out the inquisition. “Yeah, Yukhei? What’s up?” he prompts.

“I just wondered, yeah? Have you really never been into anyone? I know we don’t talk about these things for some reason, but I just want you to know you can tell me. Even if it’s boys you like. Especially if it’s boys, I guess? I suppose it’s harder to be like, full on gay, as opposed to what I am for example - whatever that is. Oh, have I ever told you that as I kid I was a hundred percent sure bisexual people dated two people at once? Bisexuality made no sense to me because obvi you’re gonna be able to be attracted to both boys and girls, duh?” Yukhei takes a drag from the joint and puffs out the smoke in Guanheng’s direction, suffocating him just a little, with the smoke and also the questions. “Sorry,” Yukhei says with a smile. “So? You really never wanted anybody?”

Guanheng avoids his gaze for a while, takes a hit slowly, lets it sit in his lungs for a moment before exhaling against the ceiling. He can feel Yukhei staring at him, and with the weed hitting him this well, he becomes weak to it and lets his gaze be locked by Yukhei’s. There’s so much he could say to that, so much to unpack there, yet all he offers is: “Only you.”

“Oh,” Yukhei lets his lips part, his face showing no surprise, more like as if he’s just gotten confirmed something he thought he knew.

“I’m not in love with you, though,” Guanheng adds, weird anxiety flooding his veins and burning across his skin, unable to look away from Yukhei, afraid Yukhei would never want to look at him again.

“Uh-huh, okay,” Yukhei’s voice is tender, just a soft whisper. He lifts his hand to Guanheng’s face, lets his knuckles brush against the apple of his cheek, fingertips play with the hair above his ear.

Guanheng finally lets his eyelids flutter shut as he exhales just a desperate plea in the form of Yukhei’s name. He’s used to casual touch with Yukhei, fist bumps, half hugs, nudge of an elbow or kick to the shin under the cafeteria table. He’s not used to fingertips at his skin, Yukhei’s eyes at his face.

“Do you really want me?” Yukhei’s voice asks from miles away, Guanheng is sure this is an out of body experience right here.

He nods quickly, almost giving himself a crick in the neck, “I’m really not in love. I just,” he lets his brain gather some ghost of a thought before continuing, “I can’t imagine myself having anyone else touch me, touching anyone else. That sound weird?” he asks in a small voice as he opens his eyes again, finding Yukhei still looking at him.

Yukhei turns to his side and shuffles a bit closer. Fingertips still playing with the lobe of Guanheng’s ear, he ends up nosing his cheek, whispering against his ear, tone almost pleading, “Not weird, no. I wanna make you feel good.” He looks from Guanheng’s lips back to his eyes as he pulls away a little, “Can I?”

Guanheng swallows on empty. Too much is happening too quickly for his head to really process anything. “Make me feel good?” he parrots back. Just having Yukhei so close and having his hand on his face and in his hair is making Guanheng dizzy. He’s too far gone on way too many levels to even try to imagine what Yukhei might be implying.

Yukhei nods, “If you’d like. I mean we’re gonna sleep in the same bed anyway, right? Might as well have fun with it.”

Yukhei usually isn’t like this, and it’s registering in Guanheng’s brain a little silly. He can’t quite understand Yukhei's motivation here. Why is he suddenly eager to turn their sleepover into something to have fun with. Whether it’s a pure indulgence of Guanheng’s fixation on him or something else, Guanheng has no idea, and not knowing something this seemingly fundamental makes his head spin a little.

“I-,” he starts but swallows the rest of that sentence. It probably wasn’t gonna make sense anyway.

“Guanheng,” Yukhei says after a second, his hand pulls away from Guanheng’s face, leaving freezing skin in its wake.

“Where did you go?” he whines and turns onto his side towards Yukhei, staring at his face upside down, the glow in his cheeks and redness of his eyes a good indicator of both their states probably. That makes it all better, Guanheng decides. “You promised to make me feel good, remember?” Wow, that was a lot of words at once, considering what kinda mush has his brain become in the last two minutes.

“You’d like that, then?” Yukhei tries again, again touching Guanheng’s face just under his jaw, making Guanheng shake all over; anticipation and some new hunger deep under his skin.

“Yes, please,” he manages weakly just a moment before Yukhei’s lips touch his forehead ever so gently. Guanheng hasn’t been touched this softly, teasingly even, probably ever and it’s a lot more than he’d ever dare to imagine. All his fantasies about Yukhei have depicted some form of heavy petting at least. Guanheng would have never guessed that simple small touches like these could render him this useless.

“Com’ere then,” Yukhei navigates them both to lie in Guanheng’s bed under the blanket, like normal people, still a few centimeters apart. Guanheng thinks he’s doing it on purpose, not willing to touch him right away. But somewhere deep down he knows waiting for Yukhei’s touches is always going to be worth it.

Yukhei’s bare foot touches Guanheng’s ankle, just a press of the toe. “Hey,” Yukhei catches his attention. “Can I?” he lifts his arm, indicating for Guanheng to shuffle closer.

Guanheng just nods dumbly and moves under Yukhei’s arm, suddenly overwhelmed by the literal heaviness of it. He hasn’t laid under anything other than his feather-light blanket in forever - literal forever because he’s never shared a bed like this with anyone. Yukhei sleeps over often, but they’re not cuddly, that’s never been them.

Guanheng exhales deeply against Yukhei’s collarbone, still trying to eliminate the touching to a minimum, still trying to keep his hands to himself, as if Yukhei hasn’t invited him into his personal space. Yukhei pulls him closer though, smushing Guanheng’s face against his throat.

One slow caress down Guanheng’s back and he’s almost purring. It would be embarrassing if he didn’t have the weed as an almost legitimate excuse. Yukhei’s hand ends up on his ass, squeezing lightly, “Do you want me to?” he asks as he’s pushing his hand under Guanheng’s shirt and dragging it across his side towards his stomach.

Guanheng stops Yukhei’s forearm from moving further. Although this seems exactly like from one of Guanheng’s wet dreams, he’s almost positive he doesn’t want it. Not yet. If with anyone - then with Yukhei, but hopefully under different circumstances.

He shakes his head a little, “No need. No,” he says in a small voice, hoping the rejection won’t chase Yukhei away.

To Guanheng’s delight, Yukhei just smiles against his hair, “No worries, sometimes weed makes me super horny, sometimes it leaves me all ehhh, you know. So, I get it.” Guanheng isn’t sure his situation is the same, nor that Yukhei would get it, but he doesn’t point it out.

Just having their feet tangled, Yukhei’s arm draped across his hip and face parked against Yukhei’s neck is enough on all fronts, but something makes Guanheng pull away a little and catch Yukhei’s gaze.

“Kiss me?”

Yukhei’s eyes show utter confusion and his face a full on surprise before it breaks into an almost pleased smile. “You must be reeeeally high, huh?”

“Right, yeah. Totally,” Guanheng admits to something he’s not sure he should be getting accused of.

“I keep my promises,” Yukhei says before leaning down to press his lips against Guanheng’s. The first kiss is small, just a press of the lips, Guanheng can feel Yukhei’s wet skin on his bottom lip, peeks out his tongue past his teeth just a millimeter to get a taste of it. In a way he’s realizing how hungry he has been for Yukhei, how having him so close might not actually be all that helpful, only deepening the yearning.

Guanheng thinks of how they’re both probably aware this is his first real kiss. Guanheng has kissed his first girlfriend when he was fourteen, but that tasted and felt like nothing because he did it only ‘cause she asked him to. It felt like kissing cardboard, like losing all sense of touch in his lips for that moment and none of it really registered.

While this kiss with Yukhei is the exact opposite. Guanheng is realizing way too many details and his scrambled mind is trying to catalog them all desperately, knowing damn well this is the only chance it’s gonna get.

Guanheng almost got a hang of it, got used to the sensation, with a little flicker of pride in his chest he kisses Yukhei’s bottom lip, smiles against the kiss. He’s got this! When suddenly Yukhei’s hand lands in his hair, combing through it at the back of his head slowly. That throws Guanheng off about three miles and he ends up mortified by the moan he lets his mouth escape.

Before he can really react as he should in such a situation - pull away, roll off the bed, run for the window and jump down at their back porch before running off into the night, Yukhei just pulls him closer, like hugging him tighter, sighs a low murmur of “Guanheng” against the kiss and Guanheng is helpless. He melts in his best friend’s arms and lets his hand bunch some of Yukhei’s shirt in his palm, clinging onto him like to a life rope.

Just when something is starting to stir in Guanheng’s tummy, when he’s starting to ponder on the offer from Yukhei from before - that maybe getting a hand down his pants would feel actually really nice; just when he’s about to reconsider his earlier rejection, Yukhei pulls away from the kiss, lands a peck under Guanheng’s right eye and at the bridge of his nose, leaving him all shaky and in an inexplicable way changed.

“I told you I’d make you feel good,” Yukhei whispers softly and Guanheng can feel the vibrations under his palm at his friend’s chest as Yukhei speaks.

Guanheng looks up at him, soft light from the bedside table illuminates his cheek orange, making his eyes seem even deeper than they usually appear.

Guanheng’s staring is apparently worrying because Yukhei feels the need to ask “You okay?”, as he pats the nape of Guanheng’s neck gently, just pads of his fingers under Guanheng’s hairline.

“Do you kiss everyone like this?” he asks and immediately regrets it. What kinda dumbass question is that?

Yukhei laughs a little, helps to burst the delicate bubble around them. “What do you mean? This is how I kiss, yeah. Why? Was it bad?” he asks earnestly with a small pout, genuinely asking for feedback, it’s almost cute how hard he always tries at everything.

Now it’s Guanheng’s turn to laugh, albeit a little sadly. He shakes his head, “No, no. No, you were good. Really. Just,” he trails off, unable to put into words what he feels he’s supposed to be saying.

“Just?” Yukhei prompts in that careful tone he sometimes uses.

“I had no idea kissing could feel like that,” he blurts out, pulling away from Yukhei’s hold right away. The second he said it out loud he realized how wrong it all was: he finds only Yukhei attractive enough to think of him sexually, he can enjoy only his intimacy and closeness, touches, kisses. Yukhei enjoys this with people regularly. The dependence isn’t mutual and thus it isn’t fair. Guanheng’s skin feels like it’s full of prickles, thorns growing out of his body, keeping him from touching another human being ever again. As it should be.

Yukhei doesn’t chase after the touch, he retrieves his hand instead. Looking at Guanheng a little spooked, he says, “But, that’s good, isn’t it?” The fear in his features makes Guanheng feel even more sick with himself. “It’s just because it was your first proper kiss, probably?” Yukhei offers weakly. “It’s fine it doesn’t feel the same with everyone.”

Guanheng doesn’t respond, just buries deeper into the blanket, thorns all around.

“You’re not mad, are you? Guanheng?” His tone is so soft and careful, Guanheng almost sobs into the sheets as he shakes his head.

“Of course not, I asked for the stupid kiss, didn’t I?”

“Then why so grumpy?” Yukhei asks in a lighter tone now. He reaches to pat at Guanheng’s fringe, a touch so careful, unsure, cautious.

It’s not even skin on skin contact, but it makes Guanheng almost sigh in relief; he can almost hear the thorns falling off his body, nothing caging him away from Yukhei anymore.

“Can we just sleep now?” he says, reaching over to the bedside table to turn off the lamp, turning away from Yukhei.

“Uhm, yeah sure. But, Guanheng?” Yukhei trails off, giving Guanheng the space to turn around to him. Which he does almost immediately. “I wanna be the little spoon,” Yukhei says quickly and promptly turns around, nesting further into the blankets, apparently waiting for Guanheng to hold him.

They never hold onto each other in their sleep. But this is a night of many firsts, it seems. And who is Guanheng to say no to Yukhei, really? He shuffles closer, covers them both with the blanket and lets Yukhei’s warmth seep into the front of his shirt. And in one deep exhale Guanheng drowns at that moment. In the feeling of being so close to the one and only person in his life outside of his family, who’s ever been able and willing to understand him, to give him the time of the day beyond pleasant small talk and classroom conversation, beyond being simple lunchbox friends.

It should maybe feel like a bigger deal to him, holding onto Yukhei like this, their fingers intertwined at Yukhei’s chest, Yukhei’s thumb caressing the back for Guanheng’s palm absentmindedly as he’s falling asleep. But somehow, it just feels right, having his nose between Yukhei’s shoulder blades, feeling the way his chest rises and falls calmly with sleep already, breathing in his warmth, the scent of Yukhei’s shampoo.

Somehow, all that just feels like home. Like something he’s always had at his fingertips. Not like a new big revelation. Just a confirmation of feelings old and long assured.

🍏

Guanheng doesn’t get to ride the bus to school with Yukhei on the first Monday after spring break. As per most morning when Yukhei doesn’t have swimming practice, he is running late and will have to get a lift from his mom or just come after the first period. Not that anyone cared about seniors’ attendance. Still, Guanheng hoped to see him. Last time he saw him at their little sleepover and although the morning wasn’t anyhow unusual, Guanheng felt weird. Weird that nothing seemed to have changed. Nothing, besides him.

Guanheng managed to realize his years' long fixation on Yukhei is, in the end, nothing else than a proof that he is able to experience sexual attraction. Maybe the selection of his attention and affection is reserved only to Yukhei himself, however, it probably meant Guanheng wasn’t as broken as he’s always thought. He is just creepy enough for only being into his best friend.

A best friend who was a pal enough to not mention their kissing and cuddling once they were sober.

In a way, Guanheng was disappointed. In himself, and maybe like 2% also in Yukhei. It was all a bit complicated and confusing.

Guanheng doesn’t see Yukhei until the lunch period. It’s an uneventful lunch, Yangyang tells them what he’s been up to during his spring break - a national park road trip with his cousins, Yukhei mentions his swim meets and the upcoming competition. He doesn’t mention the time he’s spent with Guanheng, none of it. As if it were meaningless.

With their hangouts and sleepovers rendered pointless, Guanheng has nothing to share. After all, all his free time has always revolved around Yukhei. And so, when asked how he’s spent his break, he just shrugs, “You know, just video games and such. Nothing eventful.” he makes eye contact with Yukhei’s curious gaze for a second before again dropping his attention to his own food. Something heavy drops in his stomach, but Guanheng totally refuses to worry about it.

He totally refuses to worry about anything Yukhei-related until they’re standing at the bus stop after school, backpacks slung low on their shoulders, Yukhei’s almost falling off because he refuses to wear it properly on both his shoulders like a normal person. They stand next to each other among the other students, waiting for this Monday to end. Close enough for Yukhei’s knuckles to brush against the back of Guanheng’s palm.

The touch doesn’t seem accidental the second time it happens after just under half a minute. Now Yukhei’s skin caresses Guanheng’s consistently, soothingly, as if his hand was craving the contact. Guanheng pulls his hand away as if he got burnt and pulls the hems of his sleeves over his hands. He doesn’t chance to look up at Yukhei.

But Yukhei steps closer, now reaching out with his fingers for the fabric of Guanheng’s hoodie, pulling at his sleeve weakly.

Guanheng knows he acted like a touch-starved orphan on Saturday night. And he’s sure Yukhei remembers and realizes it. What Guanheng doesn’t understand is why would Yukhei insist on reminding him of it, as if making sure Guanheng is properly embarrassed.

He swats Yukhei’s hand away, “What,” he barks at him in a low tone, sharper than necessary.

Yukhei cradles his hand against his chest, “You sure you’re okay?” he asks, eyeing Guanheng nervously.

“What are you doing?” Guanheng frowns as he pulls at his sleeves to cover up his hands down to his fingertips.

“I didn’t think you would mind?” Yukhei admits carefully, confused.

“Well, maybe I do,” Guanheng retorts, again angrier than needed. He looks up at Yukhei, at his fallen face, half fear, half confusion in his expression. Guanheng sighs, “Come with me,” he drags Yukhei away from the crowded bus stop, just a few meters away from the smoking spot.

“What’s wrong with you today?” Yukhei asks, obviously worried.

Guanheng suddenly feels hot in the face, getting half called out like this. “You never used to touch me more than necessary. What gives?” he offers a counter-question.

Yukhei shrugs, “Thought you liked it the other day at yours,” there’s a small smile playing at his lips, like remembering a small victory.

That again makes Guanheng feel warm in his cheeks, embarrassment and some shyness on the side. “I did,” he admits in a small voice.

“Then what’s wrong today? Do you mind people seeing?”

“What?” Guanheng looks at him, confused. That’s the last thing on his mind, honestly. “No, nothing like that. I just- I think we both can agree your touches have a real effect on me.” He gives Yukhei time to nod slowly, admitting to this knowledge, “And I think,” Guanheng isn’t sure what he’s thinking, but he’s doing his best to scrape the last brain cells of the walls of his skull to provide a coherent response. “I think it’s unfair you’re using it against me. For shits and giggles, trying to make me feel helpless at a fucking bus stop. Because you know I’m helpless to you. You know that, don’t you, Yukhei?” Guanheng desperately wants him to acknowledge the truth.

Yukhei’s face again falls, lips parted in surprise. “I didn’t mean to- I didn’t want to-” He almost reaches out for Guanheng’s hand before catching himself. “Guanheng, I didn’t want to make you feel - like that. I wasn’t trying to hold your hand for shits and giggles or whatever. Never want to make you feel helpless, what the fuck?”

Yukhei is trying to catch his gaze, but Guanheng is looking off to the side, avoiding the eye contact at all costs. He hates how Yukhei is again sounding like he wants the best for him, despite all that Guanheng accused him of just now, Yukhei is still trying to be careful with Guanheng and his feelings. It’s sickening.

“Guanheng,” he starts again in a cautious tone, “I’m not sure about my own motivation, to be honest. I just know I liked being close to you at your place and I missed it in the last two days. And so I wanted at least a little bit of that now before the day ends.” He shrugs and with a sigh continues, “You’re right, I think I figured out you liked me, that I have a real effect on you, as you put it. But I’m not trying to abuse that. I just thought it would be nice, for both of us.” In a small voice, he adds, ”I’m sorry.”

Guanheng finally looks up at him, “I’m also sorry,” he says. After a deep inhale he goes on, “The truth is, Yukhei, the truth is, I am helpless to you. It’s not exactly new things I’m realizing here, but the scope is maybe larger than I expected.”

“What are you talking about?” Yukhei asks, a bit exasperated. He’s never liked Guanheng’s way of talking about himself, always making shit sound way too complicated, overly so. Or at least that’s how Yukhei would describe it if asked.

Guanheng smiles to himself, “Dunno if you remember, but Saturday at my place, I told you I can’t imagine myself touching anyone else but you,” Yukhei slowly nods, prompting for more explanation, “And that’s just the thing. I never even imagined being close like that with anyone else. Do you understand what I’m saying? I never even thought of anyone but you,” Guanheng tries to emphasize what’s been weighing on him. “And then, when I got the reality, it was just overwhelming. It was just too much having you actually touch me, however innocently,” he says with a shrug.

Yukhei frowns. “Hm, I see,” he trails off, deep in thought.

“Do you really, Yukhei?”

Yukhei sighs in defeat, “No, not really. I’m sorry. What? So you wanted me to touch you and never anyone else, but then I did and it was too good? Or- what?”

Guanheng gives it a thought, “Yeah, something like that.”

Yukhei gives him a suspicious look, “But you’re not in love with me?” he asks slowly, repeating Guanheng’s words from Saturday night.

Guanheng shakes his head.

“Huh. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m kinda glad. But. Why?” he’s still so confused it’s really cute and Guanheng wants to pinch his cheeks.

Guanheng scoffs, “Is that so unbelievable that not everyone is in love with the perfect Wong Yukhei?”

Yukhei makes a face, “No, no. Just. You liked my touches so much you ended up totally freaked out. Isn’t that part of being in love?”

Guanheng shrugs, “I dunno. I just know I’m not in love with you because nothing has changed. I think I’ve always liked you the same amount. Also, I’m not jealous when you’re dating other people. You know, I used to legit think I was in love with you before. And I thought I wasn’t jealous only cause you were dating only girls. But then you were with Jungwoo last semester and I didn’t feel anything. Wouldn’t I be jealous if I were in love with you?” he offers with a smile.

Yukhei nods in understatement, “I guess you’re right.” Then something smug appears in Yukhei’s smile. “Did you just say you used to think you were in love with me?”

“Shut up!” Guanheng laughs. “You try being best friends with the best looking dude in the whole school.”

“I am,” Yukhei says, a sly smile on his lips.

Guanheng shoves him playfully, “Fucking smoothtalker,” he says rolling his eyes. “I’m serious. Everyone and their moms are in love with you. To be honest, thinking I was into you like that made me feel less like a freak.”

The smile wipes off Yukhei’s face right away, “You’re not a freak, Guanheng.”

Guanheng offers a weak smile. “Oh yeah? I can’t seem to even want anyone besides my best friend. Like, no one really does it for me unless it’s you? But - I am not in love. You’re still just Yukhei to me, you know?”

“Still not a freak,” Yukhei says gently. He smiles at Guanheng and offers him his hand. “In case you’re not too proud to hold my hand anymore.”

Guanheng lets out a sneering laugh before linking their pinkies only, “Don’t want your touch to lose its magic, right?”

🍏

Guanheng’s known Yukhei since before he could walk properly, since before he knew his colors and shapes, since before he had to care about whether he liked anyone or not. Whether he was normal or far from it.

Their friendship has gone through changes, as any friendship would when it lasts over a decade and a half. And this spring break has catalyzed another change. The jury’s still out on whether it’s a change for the better or they’ll suffer some damages.

The days that follow, Yukhei spends over more and more time at Guanheng’s. Guanheng doesn’t want to pry, but he’s curious if Yukhei still goes on as many dates as before. He doesn’t ask though. He’s set on simply enjoying all the time Yukhei is giving him.

“Can I?” Yukhei asks when they’re alone in Guanheng’s room finally. He opens his arms for a hug and Guanheng walks in, seeping into it freely and easily.

Something about Yukhei’s touches keeps making Guanheng feel like he’s about to burst into atoms, just disperse into thin air. Yukhei envelopes him in a hug, pulls him close, noses above his ear and Guanheng has to dig his nails into his palms, trying not to cling to Yukhei too obviously, too quickly.

“You good?” Yukhei asks against his hair and Guanheng just shudders an exhale in response. Yukhei laughs, the air around them suddenly lighter, it’s easier to breathe and Guanheng makes himself unclench his fists as the tension is leaving his body, flattening his palms against Yukhei’s back

Yukhei pulls away and combs through Guanheng’s hair with his fingers once as he mutters, “cute,” and turns to go sit down at the bed.

Guanheng just pouts as he flattens his hair down to his head where Yukhei ruffled it.

It’s becoming something of a tradition for them to spend the early afternoons at Guanheng’s. Hugging, holding hands as they watch youtube mindlessly, kissing here and there. The contact is always scarce and Guanheng is thankful, he knows he wouldn’t be able to stand more of it right away.

After the first Monday back at school after spring break, Yukhei has started restricting Touching Guanheng With Effect only to the privacy of Guanheng’s room. Guanheng’s unsure whether it’s shame, some weird secrecy or whatnot. He doesn’t dwell on it and reads it as consideration towards his feelings. How sweet of his best friend.

With a supply of snacks and homework already forgotten by the foot of the bed, Yukhei gingerly reaches for Guanehng’s sleeve and rolls it up his forearm, Guanheng watches that curiously. Then he slowly runs an experimental finger along the inside of Guanheng’s wrist, looking up at his expression.

Guanheng’s looking down at where Yukhei’s touched him. He tries to bite it back but doesn’t quite manage and whines at the sensation.

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” Yukhei loves any affirmation he can get.

Guanheng doesn’t make it as easy for him, though, “You just love teasing me,” he says with a frown, trying to school his expression into a serious one, but only ending up with a pout on his lips in the end.

“And you love withstanding it. Don’t you, Guanheng?” Yukhei asks softly as he takes his hand to place a light kiss right at the base of his palm.

“Yukhei,” he now whines unashamedly. There’s nothing he can really lose by giving his honest reactions. If anything, he can boost Yukhei’s ego a little, but he’s gonna have to live with that.

Yukhei whispers against his skin, “What would it take for you to admit it makes you feel good?”

Guanheng groans in slight frustration as he squirms in his spot on the bed, fighting the urge to retrieve his hand. “You’re terrible,” he whines. “Why do you insist on making me say these things?”

It’s one thing that Yukhei likes the reassurance he’s doing well, and it’s another dragging the validation out of Guanheng. It’s like Yukhei made it his mission to make Guanheng say it at least once a day.

Yukhei smiles all goofy, toothy grin and all as he looks up at him, “I just like knowing you don’t regret this.”

That makes Guanheng actually frown, focused on Yukhei’s words he asks in a sterner tone, “Why would I regret it?”

The atmosphere becomes a little bit colder around them, Yukhei senses that and sits up, still touching at Guanheng’s wrist though, pads of his fingers against the smooth skin. “I just thought-,” he trails off for a second before finding his bearings, “You said you never wanted anyone else but me. But it used to be all just a fantasy. So now I have to wonder. Everytime I touch you, everytime you show me you like it - aren’t you on the brink of changing your mind? Are you sure you still want this? Wasn’t just the fantasy better?” he ends with a shrug, face relaxed, not smiling anymore, nor pouting either. Just simply waiting for Guanheng to give him a conclusion to his dilemma.

Reaching with his free hand under Yukhei’s jaw, caressing his cheek lightly, Guanheng finds his gaze, “Not reconsidering anything.” He sits back, just lets Yukhei draw small patterns into his wrist before he goes on, “Okay, this is embarrassing and potentially, like super super weird. But hear me out. I’ve never really like, thought about us that properly. It’s not like I’m expecting you to be a sex god just because I never thought of anyone else while jacking off.” Guanheng can see the smug expression on Yukhei. “Shut up!” he chides with a suppressed laugh.

“Not saying anything,” the smugness in Yukhei’s expression prevails.

Guanheng bites his lip to stop his smile from spreading so obviously. “Anyway, I’m not expecting some Guinness record orgasms or anything. Or,” he scrambles to explain upon seeing Yukhei’s curious gaze, “I mean, I don’t really expect any orgasms, per se. That would be weird. Would it be weird?”

“Relax,” Yukhei slides their hands together, intertwining their fingers in a reassuring squeeze. “It wouldn’t be weird, Guanheng. Kissing you isn’t weird and neither would be anything else.”

“Right,” Guanheng exhales. He kind of hates appearing like this overly eager virgin, which he is, he supposes. “So. Anyway, I’m not about to just push you off ‘cause your skills aren’t on par with my wild fantasies or something like that.”

“Wanna share about your wild fantasies?” Yukhei asks suggestively, looking down at Guanheng’s lips, perhaps almost a bit of playful mocking in his tone.

“No. Wanna shut up and kiss me?” Guanheng is becoming consistently better and better at asking for kisses. Each day he finds it easier and easier, less nerve-wracking.

Yukhei leans in, fingertips again teasing Guanheng’s forearm, “If you admit this feels good.”

“Don’t be an ass, you know it does,” Guanheng responds and closes the distance between them.

As the act of kissing becomes less intimidating, Guanheng grows a little braver each day, pulls Yukhei against himself, hands at his shoulders or, like today, one reaching up into his hair. Yukhei is beautifully responsive and just holds Guanheng closer, kissing him languidly, as if to emphasize how slow they’re going.

Guanheng likes it like this, he’s sure Yukhei is aware of that. Guanheng likes the teasing, small touches; nothing rushed, nothing hungry. Yukhei always lets him take the first step - lets him ask for the kisses. All the other touches are fair game to Yukhei as well; holding hands, tickling at Guanheng’s wrist, playing with his earlobe, touches inviting for more.

They never kiss for too long, Guanheng likes to think it will help preserve the magic behind it. He never understood why people liked to suck face, what is so great about exchanging spit with someone. Why would you subject yourself to someone’s germs so openly and freely? And in a way, he’s worried kissing with Yukhei will start to feel like a chore, like kissing cardboard, just like Guanheng’s first kiss in eighth grade.

So he prefers to kiss for brief amounts of time only, which seems to be alright with Yukhei as well. One small push to Yukhei’s shoulder and he pulls away without protest and aims his kisses elsewhere, under Guanheng’s jaw, under his ear, at the inside of his elbow, to the heart of his palm.

Guanheng doesn’t think that getting his throat kissed like this could ever become redundant to him, though. With Yukhei’s hand behind his ear, holding him gently, kissing softly at the base of his throat, Yukhei’s other hand at the inside of his now well caressed wrist, Guanheng can’t (and doesn’t try to) help himself but let out small content sighs every now and then. It feels like time becomes meaningless, like Yukhei’s affection is lifting him up and letting him float off into an unknown vastness.

With Yukhei’s help, Guanheng is learning about pleasure.

They end up lying side by side in Guanheng’s bed, Yukhei’s face hidden in his neck, nosing at his pulse, occasionally reaching out to kiss his skin. Without realizing it, Guanheng leans his head to the side to allow easier access. When he later remembers this, it feels like an achievement unlocked - not having to think of his movements, body working on autopilot towards feeling good. Just like a teenager is supposed to function.

Guanheng’s left wrist is still receiving the relentless teasing touches; fingertips dancing across the thin skin and he’s more and more aware of how hot his skin is feeling all over, of his breath slightly shortening.

At first, he’s not sure if it’s a panic attack, breaths shallow and almost irregular, consciousness lifting off his actual body, ready to float away. Only after a second, he realizes with terror he’s getting hard in his pants.

“No, Yukhei! Hold on,” he says quickly and is pushing him off, alarm in his voice that he’s trying to mask. “You should go.”

“Guanheng?” Yukhei stops touching him, clearly worried, “Are you okay? We can stop, I’m sorry.” Guanheng hates the way Yukhei’s voice sounds right now, so small and scared. Careful, apologetic.

“I’m fine, yeah. But. You should go,” he sits up, drawing his knees up to hide the situation in his pants.

“Did I do something?” to hurt you?, he doesn’t finish, but Guanheng can hear it there.

“No, no,” Guanheng shakes his head, trying to calm down. He’s not so far gone that he won’t be able to wait a few more minutes. He just can’t move around too much; more friction will not do him good right now. “I just need you to leave. Please.”

Yukhei sits up, putting some more distance between their bodies. “You can tell me though,” he tries again, “Please, Guanheng.”

“I-” he looks down, without meaning to drawing attention to his crotch like that. He looks up at Yukhei, “I’m- I didn’t mean to,” he starts apologizing but it sounds off in his head, too. It shouldn’t be weird. Yukhei said so himself that it wouldn’t be weird.

“Oh,” Yukhei follows his gaze, then looks back up at Guanheng. “Don’t you- don’t you want my help?”

Guanheng bites his lip shaking his head, “No, I-. It’s okay.” Then he looks up at Yukhei, at the redness high in his cheeks, lips parted, staring at Guanheng’s stomach and lower. “Unless you want to?” Guanheng adds in a small voice.

“Yes,” Yukhei says eagerly, eyes shooting up to meet Guanheng’s. “If you’re- if you’re okay with it, I mean. I can also just go if you really really want to,” he motions unsurely towards the door.

Guanheng reaches out for Yukhei’s forearm, bringing his attention back from the exit, “No. Stay. Please.”

Yukhei nods twice slowly as if only now realizing what’s happening. It looks like he’s about to say something, but Guanheng beats him to it, “Kiss me?” He surprises himself with how desperate that’s sounded.

That makes a smile spread on Yukhei’s lips as he leans forward, back into Guanheng’s space, kissing him with a palm at the side of his head. He pushes forward slowly until they’re both back in the same position as before, next to each other laying on the bed.

Guanheng lets himself reach out into Yukhei’s hair, just holding onto him gently, just grounding himself with the fact Yukhei is there and he’s real. He can feel Yukhei’s smile against the kiss, obviously very pleased with the development. He drags his hand down Guanheng’s chest down to his stomach, reaching for the hem of his sweatshirt, fingertips just above his pants line.

Guanheng pulls away from the kiss, snatching Yukhei’s forearm. He looks up at him, “Don’t?”

Yukhei has confusion written all over his face, “You said I could help?”

Guanheng bites his bottom lip as he averts his gaze, shy about what he’s about to request, “Yeah you can, just, don’t touch my dick?” He reaches out for Yukhei to pull him back into kisses, to not give an opening for a response to that.

Yukhei doesn’t let that happen so easily, though. He just grins at Guanheng knowingly, and with a teasing cock of the eyebrow asks, “You wanna cum untouched then?”

“Oh my god, don’t say it like that. That sounds so lewd,” Guanheng pouts.

In a much smaller voice, Yukhei says, “Sounds fucking hot to me,” and leans down to kiss under his ear.

Guanheng quickly forgets anything other than the sensation of Yukhei’s lips against his pulse and the hand at his tummy, the teasing slow touches are about to drive Guanheng crazy and now without Yukhei’s mouth to swallow his moans, he gets more vocal, too. All he does is make this half-sigh, half-whiny sound as he reaches back up into Yukhei’s hair, but it’s enough to spook him a little. Yukhei is making him lose his mind, step by step.

And the small moan is enough to stir a reaction from Yukhei, too, he pulls away, “Feels nice?” This time a genuine question, not teasing, not really just asking for validation. It sounds like a real concern for Yukhei this time.

Guanheng tries to keep his breathing in check. Failing miserably at that, he nods a few times quickly, swallowing on empty, unable to really articulate how he’s feeling. He’s half hoping Yukhei won’t ask again.

Yukhei is still looking at him as if looking for something in his expression, maybe as if seeing him properly for the first time. Something in Yukhei’s features looks new, like something Guanheng has never had the opportunity to see before. Hunger for him, but softer, a tender twist on need.

Yukhei reaches down for Guanheng’s hand, gently brings it up to the pillow to let it rest by Guanheng's head. Yukhei runs his index finger from the heart of his palm to his wrist, the same spot he’s been caressing earlier. They end up like that, Guanheng on his back, small touches to the forearm by his head, getting his neck kissed softly. Faintly he wonders if there will be a hickey at his throat the next day. Innerly, that thought makes him giggle a little.

It doesn’t take as long as Guanheng thought it would and soon he knows he’s close. His back arches off the bed on its own, just a strain in his back, but the tension is well noticeable in his whole body.

Guanheng gives a faint warning in the form of a whimpered, “Yukhei, I’m gonna-” he doesn’t finish the sentence and he doesn’t have to, because Yukhei just catches his lips in a deep kiss and lets him ruin his favorite sweatpants.

A few moments pass after, Guanheng is only registering his own breathing slowly calming down back to normal. When he comes fully back to himself he turns his gaze to the side and sees Yukhei looking at him, neutral expectant expression on his face.

“Felt very nice, yes,” Guanheng says without being prompted. That makes Yukhei’s lips stretch into a smile that lets his eyes hide behind his cheeks, the most adorable sight of them all, Guanheng thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c:


	2. Yukhei

🍏 

It’s been about two weeks since Yukhei and Guanheng started fooling around and Yukhei still can’t wrap his mind around it. It’s not even fooling around in the typical sense of the word. That makes it sounds like it’s casual, no strings attached, pure benefits. And although technically, that’s what they are now - friends with benefits, Yukhei dislikes the taste of that label. Makes it sound ingenuine.

They’re hanging out at Guanheng’s again, watching an animation show on Netflix, huddled together under the blanket. Yukhei likes this. Ever since spring break they’ve become more prone to touching. It’s not something Yukhei would say he craved before, but ever since that first night of kisses and spooning, Yukhei realizes he wants to be around and touching Guanheng whenever possible.

So as soon as the door to Guanehng’s room closes, Yukhei goes for a hug, “Come here?” he suggests. For some reason, he feels like he should always let Guanheng make the first move.

His friend always complies, with a small smile buries into Yukhei’s embrace. All it takes is a caress down Guanheng’s back and Yukhei can feel him tremble slightly. It’s weirdly endearing, having this much of an effect on him.

Yukhei is used to touching people, he’s had some sort of relations with almost all his boyfriends and girlfriends after all. But no matter how far he’s gone with anyone in the past, it feels like no one has been this affected by his touch before. 

Once they’re comfortably seated in Guanheng’s bed, Yukhei puts his arm around him. Guanheng shifts closer without seemingly giving it any mind; that alone floods Yukhei with pride. Yukhei lets his fingers trace feather-light patterns into Guanheng’s shoulder and nape of his neck. The shiver that runs down his body is noticeable and it fills Yukhei with some sort of sense of achievement. He has to give his all into not smiling right away, into still keeping his eyes on the screen in front of them.

At some point, upon Guanheng’s prompting (looks up at Yukhei with a small whisper of “Kiss?”) they kiss for a moment. It’s almost always chaste, just a breath fanning over Yukhei’s lips, the barest of touches, and Yukhei likes to think that it’s grounding for Guanheng.

Guanheng pulls away, biting at his lower lip, obviously trying to stifle a smile. Without even looking up at Yukhei he just reaches forward for the laptop, “Now we gotta rewind it, I didn’t see what happened.” He says it with a pout as if Yukhei was to blame. As if it wasn’t his own prompting that started off the kisses.

Yukhei gets comfortable with what they have now. Guanheng is his best friend and Yukhei is carrying one of his secrets now - the boy’s never even fantasized about anyone else. Yukhei feels in a way honored that Guanheng was able to share this with him, albeit reluctantly. It’s obvious he doesn’t like talking about it, but ever since the first night, Yukhei’s been curious and even conducted his own research. It might be a form of asexuality that Guanheng experiences.

All in all, Yukhei feels good about them, he feels capable of carrying the secret and helping his best friend. Holding him, touching him, kissing him. It feels like he is able to protect him. He feels useful and needed. Validated.

They continue watching the show with some minimal, but still very devastating, touching. Yukhei’s fingers in Guanheng’s hair, making him lean into the touch, purr at times as well. In return, Guanheng’s hand is on Yukhei’s thigh under the blanket, just letting his fingers draw small circles into the fabric there.

By the end of their third episode, the show is forgotten, idly continuing in the background and Guanheng is on his back under Yukhei. He keeps sighing whenever Yukhei traces his lips or teeth over a certain spot at the base of his throat and thus Yukhei keeps placing small kisses there over and over. 

Guanheng doesn’t seem like he minds it and the small content sighs soon grow into quiet moans.

“Feels good?” Yukhei asks. Everytime he sets out to make Guanheng feel nice, beyond hugs and simple kisses, he keeps making sure if it’s good for Guanheng if he’s still enthusiastic about it. The sense of protectiveness also extends to protecting Guanheng from Yukhei himself as well, should he cross a line.

Guanheng likes to be a little bashful about it, though. With hands up in Yukhei’s hair now, he just groans in slight exasperation. “It does. Why do you keep teasing me like this?”

Yukhei smiles against the crook of his neck, “I just like hearing you say it.”

“That’s annoying,” the pout is audible in his voice. Then in a smaller tone, he adds, “Don’t stop,” as he softly pushes Yukhei’s face against his throat again.

Yukhei can feel Guanheng shifting under him, perhaps spreading his legs apart. Yukhei puts one hand on his sternum and lower, above his tummy and starts pulling up his t-shirt until fingertips touch skin, “Do you want me to…?” He always asks, although they’ve done this before, he feels like with Guanheng he’s always going to be asking.

Guanheng shakes his head, “No, no. But,” Yukhei pulls away to look at his friend, big and curious eyes looking back at him, cheeks a little rosy. Guanheng continues, “Maybe I could,” he doesn’t finish the sentence and instead puts a palm against Yukhei’s lower belly, right above his crotch.

It makes him do a double-take, he almost collapses with his full weight onto Guanheng. In the brilliant brain of his, there are about a thousand questions and thoughts, but his mouth only makes one simple sound, a wheezy, “What?”

Guanheng pulls away his hand immediately, “I just thought- Well, you always make me feel good. You kiss me and touch me. And I don’t do anything. I thought- I mean, you’re not even getting anything out of it.” His voice shows the insecurity and Yukhei berates himself for his initial reaction now.

Yukhei pulls away, laying next to him, “What do you mean, not getting anything out of it? This ain’t supposed to be a trade, Guanheng.” He can’t help the frown on his face, he’s aware of it, but Guanheng’s words just sound so misplaced, Yukhei is a bit out of his depths here.

Guanheng looks down between them, he sighs, “I know that. I’m not saying you’re expecting me to or anything. I just,” he looks up again, determination written in his expression, “I wanna make you feel good, too,” and with that he again places his palm against Yukhei’s stomach experimentally, fingers curling into the fabric there slightly, making goosebumps spread across Yukhei’s skin.

Yukhei is only capable of this breathy, “If you really want to,” before he leans over to kiss Guanheng softly. It doesn’t even matter if Guanheng will go along with this idea of his, just the sheer thought is making Yukhei so horny he might need to go to the bathroom in a minute if nothing happens.

To Yukhei’s delight, things are happening and Guanheng doesn’t get shy and kisses him with intent, not the small sweet kisses as they usually exchange. Guanheng’s hand slips into his pants and Yukhei is gone. There’s nothing holding him back anymore. No way in hell is he going to be able to go slow when Guanheng’s hand is literally at his dick, ever so lightly squeezing and pulling.

Guanheng’s other hand is under Yukhei’s jaw, angling his face to deepen the kisses, which is in itself so unusual it would make Yukhei question if this isn’t a simulation if he wasn’t so far gone already.

For the first time ever it feels to Yukhei like Guanheng can’t get enough of him either. Instead of passively accepting Yukhei’s touches and kisses, Guanheng has taken the reigns in his hands here and is really coming through.

Yukhei doesn’t have enough functioning brain cells anymore, all he can do is go with the flow and let Guanheng take care of him for a change.

It doesn’t take long before Yukhei changes into a moaning, whimpering mess. He wouldn’t be able to tell how long he’s lasted, whether it has been two minutes or ten (most probably the former). All he registers is this pent up energy and horniness leaving his body after weeks of chaste kissing and small careful touches. Maybe all he needed to truly clear his head was one quick handjob from his best friend.

When Guanheng takes his hand out of his pants and pulls away a little, Yukhei tries to chase after the kiss for a second before he opens his eyes and sees Guanheng smiling at him a bit wickedly, “Feels good, Yukhei?”

“Fuck,” Yukhei groans and pulls Guanheng into another kiss. To his surprise, Guanheng goes along with it and lets them kiss properly. They’ve shared deep kisses before, but it was always fleeting, a two seconds thing before Guanheng was pushing him away.

This time Yukhei feels like he’s getting hours or maybe days of proper making out, the most beautiful coming down from his high he could have hoped for. His lips well swollen from the kisses, lungs out of air, going on sheer adrenaline and endorphins alone at this point, they pull away. 

“Do you kiss everyone like that?” Yukhei echoes what Guanheng asked him after their first kiss.

Guanheng’s cheeks are a little red, probably also out of breath from all the kissing, eyes barely open but gaze stuck to Yukhei, he says with a smile, “Only you.”

Something slightly shifts between them that day. They clean up and return to bed again, to finish their show - they had to rewind two full episodes. And still, they are getting distracted.

A few times Guanheng leans in to kiss Yukhei, slow and insanely sensual, but only for a moment before he’s pulling away with a smile. It fucks with Yukhei’s head in the best way possible; he knows he wants more, but he’s also aware it’s up to Guanheng, it always has been.

“Guanheng,” Yukhei says into his hair as one episode is rolling into ending credits. He can feel Guanheng pull away a little, looking up at him now. “You’re not in love with me, right?” Yukhei asks in a small voice.

There’s that annoyed frown in Guanheng’s expression, “You asked me this before.”

“I know,” he admits, gaze dropping, “I just. Just making sure, I guess.”

Now Guanheng pulls away completely, leaving Yukhei’s side to freeze. “Why does it even matter? You get everyone at school falling to your feet, I never heard you complain about anyone else. You get confessed left and right all the fucking time, but god forbid I would have a crush on you, right? No worries though,” he says with a small scoff, “I’m far from it right now.”

Yukhei’s skin prickles when he realizes how Guanheng took his words. It hurts and he’s unsure of how to articulate that. If he should. “That’s not what I meant, I just wanted to make sure. Don’t want you to get hurt.”

Guanheng’s still frowning, tone detached, almost upset. “Yeah, no sweat. I don’t understand what exactly would be the problem. Am I too weird to fall in love? Is it because I’m only into you? Is that what you’re saying?” he slumps against the cushions, something bitter dripping off his words.

Yukhei looks up at him finally, the frown has almost completely washed off Guanheng’s face. “No, no, no. Listen,” Yukhei leans forward to pause the tv show before he sits up properly. “So, like. I date a lot, right?” Guanheng nods with a sour expression. Yukhei chides himself for the word choice of his opening statement. “The thing is, I dated various people. Some were flings, sure, but some were really really worth it. I wanted to be with those people.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Guanheng interrupts him, arms crossed at his chest. He’s kinda shrinking into himself as if he was getting a beating by Yukhei’s words. Yukhei hates this.

“Listen to me. Just, give me like two minutes to try to get my point across, okay? Please?” Yukhei watches him nod slowly before continuing, “The thing is, I’ve never been in love. And I know this isn’t my fuckboy nature in me speaking, as I’ve been accused of before. With some people I really, really, desperately wanted to make it work. Wanted to want to.” Yukhei is aware he’s not good at making his points like this. There’s a reason he’s on the swim team and not on the debate club. He sighs, “I probably didn’t tell you this, but last summer, there was this other counselor at the camp. We were the only ones under twenty, and we hit it off pretty okay. It was a simple summer fling kinda thing at first. But she was so great. Great with the kids, and super bright and energetic. She made me feel good about myself as well. She was just, really cool.”

“You never told me, no,” Guanheng sounds a bit sad. Yukhei wonders for a second if Guanheng would have wanted to hear about the failures of his romantic life.

He scoffs lightly, “It didn’t work out, of course.”

“Was it the distance? After camp you wouldn’t be able to be together, right?” Guanheng is using the attentive tone of his as if to be cautious with Yukhei’s feelings now.

Yukhei shakes his head, “No. It was me. Like two days before the camp ended, we talked. And she asked me if I’d be willing to try long distance with her. It wouldn’t even be that much of a long-distance, she literally lives two towns over up north from here. But anyway. I realized at that point - I wasn’t into her like that. And if I would have agreed to become her boyfriend I would be leading her on. Logically, she was perfect, but my fuckass brain doesn’t know how to love apparently.”

Guanheng is silent for a moment, Yukhei doesn’t dare to look at him. “What are you saying, Yukhei?” he asks, and the careful tone in his voice somehow helps to create a lump in Yukhei’s throat.

“I don’t know how to love, Guanheng. I can’t even get a stupid crush. Everyone tells me it’s commitment issues. But it ain’t! I would have given anything to be able to be the guy Yuqi wanted and deserved.” He looks up at Guanheng, realizing his eyes are slowly welling up and quickly hangs his head low again. He’s never had to put into words any of this. It might be a bit bigger bite than he can chew. “My reaction back then, it hurt her. I hurt her and I never want to hurt you like that. So I need to ask every now and then. Just to make sure you don’t crush on me despite us being, like, sexual and stuff. I don’t wanna hurt you like that just because I’m a heartless monster.”

There are palms at Yukhei’s cheeks, bringing his face up again, pads of Guanheng’s thumbs wiping under his eyes, maybe wiping off tears, maybe just to caress him. “You’re not heartless. And definitely not a monster. And, Yukhei,” Guanheng tries to search for his gaze, “I promise I don’t have a crush on you. My answer will always be the same. You’re my best friend, who coincidentally is also the manifestation of my sexual desires for now. It’s probably not that deep.”

Yukhei looks up at him, nods with a small sniffle before Guanheng pulls him into a hug. A safe space where Yukhei can count down from ten and wait for his heart to calm down a little, too.

🍏 

On Tuesday Yukhei is leaving school with a new number in his contacts. A cute junior approached him to ask him out. That stunned Yukhei monetarily, as he wasn’t sure where they stood with Guanheng on exclusivity. Luckily, the boy hitting on him didn’t demand an answer, just asked for Yukhei’s phone and put in his contact info, “Text me if you wanna hang out,” he said with a wink as he was handing the phone back to him before leaving.

Yukhei didn’t even learn his name. The new contact in his phone just reads NaNa.

Yukhei frowns down at it before pocketing the phone, setting out toward the bus stop where he hopes to see Guanheng.

In the last few days, he’s found himself looking forward to seeing his best friend more and more. The new layer of anticipation is not more than a pleasant buzz under his skin, but it makes Yukhei always curious, always yearning for private moments with Guanheng.

He’s standing at the bus stop, Yukhei can see him from far away, he’s looking down at his phone, scrolling slowly, probably reading something, brows furrowed in concentration. Guanheng is wearing that baby blue sweater that swallows him whole, Yukhei knows it well; from inside out. A memory of pushing it up Guanheng’s torso appears in his mind. Yukhei quickly dispels it, there’s plenty of time before he’ll get to do that again. Somehow, he doesn’t question whether he’ll get the opportunity again or not. This sorta thing became a constant for them now.

“Hey,” Yukhei nudges his side softly.

Guanheng looks at him with a small smile, pulling the earphones from his ears in a snap, pushing them in a knot into the front pocket of his hoodie. “Hey yourself,” Guanheng elbows Yukhei’s ribs in response.

They have become more nonchalant about touching in public as well. It wasn’t a calculated change, it just happened, Yukhei finds. Hooking his chin over Guanheng’s shoulder he asks, “Whatcha reading?”

Guanheng looks at him, their faces close enough for them to almost kiss - were Yukhei to lean in just a few centimeters. He doesn’t.

“Just a thread on Animal Crossing cheats, nothing life-changing,” he shoves his phone into his hoodie as well.

It doesn’t even look like Guanheng would fluster at the lack of personal space now. For some reason, it makes Yukhei feel warm and he catches himself wanting to hug Guanheng from behind, bury his face into his neck. He doesn’t do that. He knows that would be further than Guanheng would want.

When they get off the bus in their neighborhood Guanheng yanks at Yukhei’s sleeve, “Let’s come to mine for a bit. I need to go to the library and you’re coming with me.”

Yukhei just laughs as he follows Guanheng to his house. Guanheng doesn't even ask, he just drags Yukhei places now. Almost everyday Yukhei thanks heavens the swim team meets in the mornings and not in the afternoons - a thing he’s hated for years. But were he to be on a team that trains in the afternoons, he would be deprived of all his Quality Guanheng Time and that would, simply put, suck.

And for the most part, Yukhei likes running errands with Guanheng. Although it means less kissing, less touching, he gets Guanheng in the form he’s known and loved for years. It’s just as good, if not even giving him more of a safe feeling, reassurance that he hasn’t lost anything with the shift in their friendship.

“Can’t find my fucking library card,” Guanheng is digging through piles of papers on his desk, thumbing through all books he comes across. He grunts, “Don’t you sometimes wish our public library was also in the 21st century with us? They could just have an app for everything already. Then I wouldn’t need to pay the fines either.”

“Want me to help look?” Yukhei asks although he knows the answer to that.

“No, no, just. Sit there,” he motions to his bed and immediately is back to rummaging through all his belongings. “Give me a minute.”

Yukhei pouts as he flops onto Guanheng’s bed, laying back right away. He pulls out his phone to absentmindedly refresh some social media apps. Remembering the newest number in his contacts, he takes a deep breath, “I got asked out on a date today,” he says looking at the ceiling.

Guanheng’s movements stop for a small moment, Yukhei almost doesn’t breathe. “Oh,” Guanheng says and resumes his search for the library card, “Cool. She cute?”

Yukhei bites his bottom lip. He’s cowardly glad there is no eye contact for this conversation, “It’s a boy. Junior, I think. And yeah, he seems nice.”

“So you’re gonna go out with him?” Guanheng shoots back right away as if determined not to create more negative space in the conversation flow.

Yukhei sits up, shrugs, although Guanheng can’t see that, his back turned to Yukhei, crouched under his desk near a pile of books and sketchbooks. “I dunno. I think I wanted to talk about that with you?” he tries to ask it as sensitively as possible.

“Oh, yeah?” Guanheng turns back to him, eyes big in some sort of surprise. “Since when do your dates go through my screening?”

“I- I just thought-” Yukhei starts unsurely, frowning as he continues, “Well, I think we need some ground rules, don’t you think?”

“What for?” Guanheng asks innocently. As if they wouldn’t be making out under his blanket now if it weren’t for the library distraction.

“What for?” Yukhei parrots, “I just thought,” he trails off again, not completely certain what he thought after all.

Guanheng gives him a small smile, “What? That I’d be jealous?” he snorts a small laugh as he turns back to looking through his things in the drawers, “Jealousy would be a proof of a crush, as we agreed before. So, no, I’m not gonna be jealous. Just let me know if you wanna like date him, then I guess it would be sensible to not do stuff anymore?” He talks about all this so carefree, it gives Yukhei a bit of a whiplash.

“So you don’t,” he pauses - _care?_ , “Mind?”

Guanheng shrugs, “No, of course not. You do you. What do you know, maybe this boy will break your curse of not getting crushes. Here it is!” he calls out triumphantly holding out his library card. “Okay, let’s go!” he says with a happy smile in Yukhei’s direction, ready to leave right away, ready to move on from the topic.

Yukhei thought getting Guanheng’s all-clear would be a weight lifted off his shoulders. But something about the way Guanheng said it, like it’s not a big deal at all to him, has made Yukhei feel a bit unsettled. He decides to let it go for now. After all, Guanheng is probably right.

To a majority of people who don’t know Guanheng that well, he can seem like the quiet kid, mostly observant, introverted. But Yukhei knows him better than anyone else in the world, and he’s gotten used to the crazy antics he lets shine through at times. 

On their way over to the library, Guanheng makes Yukhei carry his books (“You’re much stronger than me, I would be all sore after dragging all this shit”) and Yukhei lets him, just shakes his head at his best friend. Guanheng then has too much energy and time on his hands so he makes it his mission to chase after pigeons and ask the squirrels how their day is as they walk through the park. It’s small things like this that are the definition of Guanheng in Yukhei’s dictionary, but it’s hard to really sum it up to new people. Also, it’s stuff Guanheng only shows to his select few trusted people, Yukhei being one of the chosen ones.

People at school know Yukhei as the loud, always cheerful jock, and Guanheng as his mostly quiet side-kick. Yukhei would argue it’s actually the other way around. It’s always Guanheng taking him on adventures (closed down amusement park at a full moon, literally just to eat snacks in the eerie atmosphere at midnight; aquarium downtown during a day he persuaded Yukhei and Yangyang to skip school; and many many others). Yukhei usually just follows, like moth after the flame, and he does so happily.

Guanheng catches up with Yukhei and links their arms, after he shouts after the last squirrel that has jumped up on a tree, “you, too, have a good day, dave!” Yukhei can’t help but smile, Guanheng’s carefree aloofness has always been so adorable, Yukhei can never even get mad at him for making him carry his books or groceries or whatever. In a way, Yukhei is just happy he never feels excluded when it comes to Guanheng, that boy has always made sure to make a place for Yukhei by his side.

They’re walking up to the library, arms still linked at elbows and Yukhei steals a glance at Guanheng’s profile - cheeks flushed from running around among the trees in the park, the happy glint in his eyes and a satisfied smile on his lips. Yukhei might have an inkling to kiss it off for a second there. He doesn’t do that.

They walk through the library, Guanheng leads them to the counter and pays his fines. On their way to the sci-fi romance novels section (interesting taste, in Yukhei’s opinion), Yukhei spots a couple of boys huddled at a desk in the far corner, fingers linked on the tabletop, no book in front of them or nothing, just a conversation in hushed voices. Guanheng doesn’t pay them any mind and moves along the aisle, looking for a particular title on the shelves.

Neither of the boys notices them, too immersed in the conversation, in each other, and so Yukhei catches up with Guanheng.

He hums, deep in thought, trying to analyze what he’s just seen.

“What is it?” Guanheng asks in a neutral tone, not pulling his attention from the book spines.

“The guys over there,” Yukhei motions towards the boys in the corner of the library. “One of them is the dude who asked me out today.”

“Oh?” Guanheng cranes his neck curiously to get a peek. “Which one? Black hair or blond hair?”

“Blond.”

Guanheng looks back at Yukhei and nods, “He cute, you were right,” and gets back to his search for whichever installment of Task Force Iota he’s at.

“Did you see them, though?” Yukhei tries to convey through his expression alone how scandalized he is about what he’s witnessed.

Guanheng pouts up at him a little and looks at the two boys in question again. “Maybe they’re brothers?” he offers.

Yukhei deadpans, “No brothers are that touchy.”

“Then friends? Maybe they’re something like us? Best friends but a little more at times?”

Yukhei frowns, trying to let that possibility run through his mind, “I don’t know. Okay, say they would be, like us,” Yukhei makes air-quotes, “Isn’t that weird? That he asked me on a date?”

Guanheng just shrugs, handing Yukhei another book he decided to check out, “Do you think we are weird? You were gonna accept that date, right? I don’t see how you are any different.”

“I guess you’re right,” Yukhei mutters, still mulling this whole thing over in his head.

“Of course I am. I’ve got all I need, let’s get out of here.”

Yukhei chances another look at the corner desk as they’re passing by, finding his potential date squishing his cheek against the black-haired boy’s shoulder, both laughing at something or another. They are in their own world, it looks like. Yukhei wonders if he and Guanheng ever emit that energy as well. He can’t make up his mind whether he’s hoping they do or not.

The sun is setting on their walk back to Guanheng’s, the light bounces off Guanheng’s pouty lips as he complains about being hungry and the shitty cafeteria choices at school, and Yukhei realizes with some sort of small surprise this day so far has been no different from what they’re used to from Before - before kissing and more. It has been no different from what they always have been, and still, the day has been so nice - just getting to spend time with this total fool, who pretends to talk to squirrels, is and always would be enough.

🍏 

The 7 am swim practices are hell. Yukhei doesn’t as much wake up for them as he drags his still sleeping form over to the pool changing rooms and really wakes up only at the overwhelming scent of chlorine when the team gathers at the edge of the pool for stretching.

The 7 am swim practices are hell, but at the same time, in a way, it’s what keeps Yukhei alive and sane. He often thinks that if he didn’t have the morning workout, he’d be the nervous ball of energy he used to be in elementary school. It almost cost him a year - he almost got held back for his attention deficiency or whatever the school shrink called it. For 8-year old Yukhei the world was about to crumble, were he really to be held back; he wouldn’t be in the same class with Guanheng anymore. Thankfully, he was given another chance, and since fourth grade, he’s always been a part of some sports team or another.

The training finishes just about twenty minutes before homeroom. As they’re exiting the locker rooms, Mark nudges Yukhei’s side, and motions towards the bleachers, “I think one of your admirers has found out your morning schedule?”

Yukhei follows his line of sight and sure enough, just by the bleachers there stands NaNa, or whatever his name is. “I talked to him, like, once. You stalking me or something?” Yukhei responds with a playful shove to Mark’s shoulder.

“Fuck off, I just guessed he’s here for you. You get the most fans. Go get them,” he calls with a friendly slap at Yukhei’s butt as he sends him on his way over to the bleachers.

“Hey, got lost?” Yukhei asks NaNa with a smile on his lips.

“Hey yourself. I didn’t get any texts of yours, so. Hence, here I am.”

Yukhei plays dumb for a while, plays along. He takes out his phone from his pockets, eyeing him curiously, “You need to check if I have the network or something? My phone seems fine.”

“Does it?” There’s a playful grin on his lips and Yukhei would admit he does look cute. “I bet there are no texts in your outbox for me. Doesn’t sound so right.”

Yukhei lets out a little laugh, “I didn’t text, you’re right.”

“Okay, fair enough. So I’m getting rejected then?” he looks just simply curious, not mad or bitter.

Yukhei frowns at his phone before pocketing it. “I dunno. I mean, I don’t even know your name. Unless it’s actually Nana.”

He laughs, big and loud, exaggerated, “Jaemin,” he extends his hand for Yukhei to shake.

“Yukhei,” he responds.

“I know who you are, Yukhei. But nice to finally officially meet you. So? Still a no on the date, I take it? Hey,” Jaemin puts his hands up in a small surrender, “No sweat, I just wanted to know.”

Yukhei thinks about it for a second. He has no reason to reject Jaemin. Guanheng said he doesn’t mind. And also he might be right about Jaemin and the boy from the library - maybe they are like Yukhei and Guanheng and have some story of their own explaining their behavior. He doesn’t feel in the position to really question Jaemin anyway, that would be hypocritical, probably.

“What kinda date did you have in mind then?”

Jaemin’s face lights up into this cute wide smile, maybe a little mischievous glint appears in his eyes as he suggests roller skating arena and some food. That sounds more original to Yukhei than dinner and a movie, so he’s in. Before they go to their separate classes, he promises to text Jaemin back this time when he teases Yukhei about it again - Yukhei feels like Jaemin won’t let him live that down anytime soon.

🍏 

“Do you wanna hear about Friday?”

They’re sitting on an ugly floral print picnic mat in the park on Sunday afternoon, sharing a joint and a store-bought cake that Yukhei found in their pantry, almost past its expiration date. It tastes of cheap artificial aromas and sweeteners, but it vibes with getting high.

“What was on Friday?” Guanheng asks, passing the joint back to Yukhei.

“My date with Jaemin.”

“Oh, so now we’re on the first name basis,” Guanheng grins, digging a plastic fork into the cake, they don’t even bother with cutting it up. He scoops up some of the moist dough and fondant and with his mouth full urges Yukhei on, “Yeah sure, spill.”

“He took me to this greasy looking food truck by the mall. It looked kinda gross but Jaemin swore by them having the best hot-dogs. And boy was not lying, I swear to god, I wanted to order seconds as well, but didn’t wanna risk getting sick on the skates, so I held out.”

“You went skating?” Guanheng’s eyes widen with excitement. Yukhei knows Guanheng likes ice skating but isn’t so sure about roller skating. That realization makes him a little sad suddenly.

“Yeah, you know that indoor roller arena at the mall? It’s got very retro vibes, like, they’re imitating the 80’s or something. Anyway, it was cool. Although I bet Jaemin was a bully as a kid,” Yukhei says laughing.

“What do you mean?” Guanheng lets his weight fall into Yukhei’s side. His eyelids seem a little heavy from where Yukhei is sitting. Stomach full of carbs, with the weed hitting him, he’s bound to be sleepy, always is.

Yukhei shakes his head smiling, “He’s just really playful, would try to tickle me several times, almost made me fall, too. And fucker’s extra fast and agile on the skates. I can barely hold my fucking balance.”

Guanheng exhales a puff of smoke, “That’s what you get for being into swimming. All you need is force, to fight against the water to get to the other side of the pool. No real need for balance of any sort.”

Yukhei snatches the joint back from him, “As if you knew anything about sports.”

“Hey! I know how to skate, and from the sound of it, better than you! So,” Guanheng retorts with a small satisfied smile, squishing his cheek against Yukhei’s shoulder.

“Yeah, okay, okay. Sure,” Yukhei scrapes up the last bits of the cake, trying not to shuffle around too much for Guanheng’s liking.

After a moment of comfortable silence, Guanheng looks up at him; Yukhei’s thought he’s nodded off already. “So, how was it?” Guanheng asks.

“Huh? How was what?”

Guanheng rolls his eyes, “The date, duh.”

“I just told you. We got hot-dogs and went roller skating.”

Guanheng sits up, fingertips touching the back of Yukhei’s palm, burning warmth into his skin. “No. I mean,” Guanheng says, “Did you like it? Did he?”

Yukhei just shrugs, he didn’t really think of it that much, “I dunno. He’s nice, also he’s funny, a bit of a brat though. I honestly wasn’t analyzing it as much.” Guanheng is looking off to the edge of the park, watching kids play frisbee at the open lawn. He looks far away, it scares Yukhei a little, so he suggests, “Hey, you wanna go back to mine? Spliff’s all out anyway.”

Guanheng’s attention snaps back to him, within a nanosecond he smiles, as if masking something, “Sure.”

They end up sitting shoulder to shoulder at the foot of Yukhei’s bed, pretending to or trying to pay attention to the trig homework Yukhei needs help with. Yukhei deliberately doesn’t lead them to bed, because he knows how that always ends.

With the homework assignment sheet balancing on their knees, Guanheng uses his right hand to point onto the graphs as he’s explaining the logic behind them, and lets his left hand rest between them. Yukhei finds himself reaching out with his pinkie finger towards him. 

When their fingers touch, Guanheng looks up at him, eyes at Yukhei’s lips. Yukhei is almost about to lean forward a little, inviting for a kiss, when Guanheng speaks, “Did he kiss you?”

Yukhei pulls his hand away, lets more breathing room spread between them. He shakes his head, confused. Why does it matter? Didn’t Guanheng say Yukhei is allowed to date? And that he’s not gonna be jealous?

“I’m not being jealous,” he says as if reading Yukhei’s mind. “I’m just curious how well it went. And I guess - if you’ll be seeing him again?”

“I think I’d see him again, yeah,” Yukhei says in a somewhat worried voice, trying to be careful with his words. Taking in Guanheng’s still curious gaze, Yukhei adds, “We didn’t kiss or anything. And anyway, why do you think he would be the one to kiss me? Why not the other way around?”

Guanheng shrugs, slumps his shoulders and looks somewhere near their feet, “You never kiss me first, so I just take it you’re not the sorta guy to initiate.”

Yukhei almost wants to argue - he initiates plenty with Guanheng. But when he really thinks about it, it’s true, almost all of their kisses were started by Guanheng.

“Guanheng?” Yukhei tries in a small voice, he reaches after his hand again, this time linking their fingers. He’s relieved Guanheng reciprocates easily. “Do you mind that I went on that date?”

“No, no,” Guanheng squeezes his hand and Yukhei feels a million times lighter. “Not at all. You should go again, too, if it was fun. I’m just curious. I suppose not knowing would make me feel worse, would make me wonder. Don’t ask me about what, I’m not sure myself. It’s just unsettling, thinking that you have this sorta secret.”

Yukhei can’t help but smile, “No secrets then.”

“If you don’t mind,” Guanheng pleads in a pouty voice and puts his head on Yukhei’s shoulder. It’s become like his safe space it seems, Yukhei loves that.

“Not at all,” Yukhei finds himself saying against Guanheng’s hair, heart hurting after something he already has.

🍏 

Another Friday means another date with Jaemin. They’ve spent the week out of each other’s way, their only contact being the few texts over which they arranged this date. Yukhei is waiting for him in front of a pub Jaemin sent him the address of. Apparently, Jaemin knows the waiters and they’ll serve them drinks, regardless of the legal drinking age.

Jaemin shows up fashionably late, apologizes with a bright smile, tone not at all apologetic. He’s wearing a loose button-down, a thin silver chain hanging just below his collarbones. Suddenly, Yukhei feels a little hot in the face when he realizes he’s actually glad he’s also made an effort to appear dateable tonight, wearing a simple bomber jacket and thick-soled boots as if he needed the extra inch on Jaemin.

The pub is more of a bistro with drinks on the menu, which Yukhei is happy to discover as they get seated into a cozy nook by large windows in the back. Some smooth sort of lo-fi tunes are playing throughout the place, and Yukhei finds himself watching Jaemin thumbing through the menu pamphlet. He’s so pretty, there’s absolutely no way he isn’t aware of it himself. It’s partially his face and blinding smile, but mostly, it’s more than that. It’s the aura of confidence surrounding him at all times.

Yukhei finds that the fact they didn’t really talk during the week is a blessing in disguise, now they at least aren’t running dry on topics to talk about. Such as extra-curricular activities; Jaemin is mostly mock-shocked that Yukhei smokes weed as an athlete, Jaemin shares about a possibility of having his graphic design assignment displayed at the town gallery.

Overall, the date goes great, even without an actual activity that would occupy them. Roller-skating was a great crutch for the first meeting, now they get to just talk. Also, Yukhei really appreciates Jaemin’s innovativeness in the dates. He absentmindedly wonders if Jaemin does this often, charming guys he doesn’t know on first or second dates.

They get something to drink after their meal, and Yukhei can recognize the tipsiness in Jaemin early on. A lightweight suggesting they drink, Yukhei can’t help but be amused.

After merely two drinks each, they decide to leave the now loud pub. There must be some unwritten law that every establishment ups the volume of their background music at exactly eight o’clock. On their way through the park, they stop by an ice-cream stand, oreo-mint for Jaemin and vanilla-caramel for Yukhei.

Jaemin talks about his work - a small gig with some independent film magazine. He seems genuinely stoked to have something he actually can and wants to put into his CV. Yukhei finds it really cute how fast Jaemin speaks when he gets excited. When prompted, Yukhei tells him more about the school swim team and their tournament schedule for this semester. The conversation flows easily and Yukhei finds himself not really hurrying home.

The way their date is going, Yukhei’s mind focuses on something he’s rather unsure of. There seems to be one particular spec of information on his mind. Mentally, he rewinds to last Tuesday, the day Jaemin gave him his number.

“I saw you at the library the other day,” Jaemin’s puzzled look urges Yukhei on, “The day you asked me out, I mean, the first time.”

Jaemin’s face contours into something confused and maybe slightly worried.

“No, no, not like that!” Yukhei exclaims. “I wasn’t like, following you or something. I just happened to be at the library that day. And saw you,” suddenly he’s not all that sure he should have opened this topic at all. But he’s already halfway there, would be weird not to finish the thought now. “Saw you with some guy. You seemed, close?” he offers carefully.

Jaemin frowns at that a little, maybe trying to assess how much Yukhei knows. “You can’t be mad about that, though,” he says after a while, voice strict. “You didn’t even agree to the first date with me at that time.”

Yukhei waves his hands in front of himself in surrender, “No, I’m not- I know I have no right to be upset about that. I was just curious, I guess,” he rubs at his upper arm, unsure and maybe a little bit worried he’s just overstepped a boundary he should have seen from far away. Aware of possibly implying something, he chances, “Since I don’t even know if you’re looking for something serious here.”

Jaemin looks him up and down curiously. He steps closer towards him, “Are you looking for something serious here, Yukhei?”

Yukhei finds himself wondering - is he? Should he? Perhaps just going on dates for the sake of dating is also okay and not everything needs to be leading to happily ever after. Maybe it can be okay like this for once.

“No,” he exhales, shaking his head a little, watching Jaemin stare at his lips, “Not looking, no. You?”

“Not with you, no.”

It should be a weird premise for a first kiss, but somehow it works and makes sense for them. Although Yukhei didn’t learn anything about the mysterious black-haired boy from the library, it doesn’t seem like it should be an issue. Because for the first time ever, Yukhei is on a date where he doesn’t feel like he’s leading the other person on. Whatever it is Yukhei can’t give the people he dates, Jaemin doesn’t even want that part of him.

Without remorse and without having to wonder if he’s about to break another heart, Yukhei enjoys the few moments of slow kisses, Jaemin’s hands pulling at his hair just a tad bit stronger than he’d prefer. Again with the bully vibes, always trying to have an upper hand. That thought makes Yukhei smile against Jaemin’s lips, which in turn makes Jaemin pull away a little to puff out a small laugh between them.

Yukhei finds his eyes and Jaemin just smiles at him, bright and wide as always. “You kiss nice,” he whispers and leans up for one more slow, small kiss before they pull away.

“You, too,” Yukhei exhales with a smile as well.

“You wanna do this again?”

Yukhei looks at him, a little dazed from the kissing still, “Uh, another date, you mean?”

Jaemin shrugs like it’s not a big deal like it didn’t matter, “Sure, why not? I had fun.”

Yukhei frowns, “Me, too,” looking for Jaemin’s gaze, he tries again, “Is it right though? I mean, are you sure that boy back at the library… he wouldn’t mind?” How does one tactfully ask someone if they’re cheating on their boyfriend?

Jaemin’s face contours into a smile, but it’s not a happy one, it’s more of a painful smirk. With a little scoffed laugh, he says, “You’re really hung up on him, huh? Okay, let’s sit,” he motions to the nearest bench under the beam of warm lamplight.

Yukhei follows after him, obediently.

Jaemin shrugs, “I wanted to tell you about him next time we meet, but okay, you deserve to know - and not have to wonder about shit.” He looks up at Yukhei as if trying to see if he’s upset, he looks worried and for a second, Yukhei wishes he hadn’t asked. Jaemin takes a deep breath and goes on, “His name is Jeno. He’s my best friend, like, since middle school. He doesn’t go to school with us now, though. You said we looked close, that’s cause we are.” He chances a look at Yukhei again, “I understand you’re worried about being a home-wrecker. About me cheating on him with you?”

“I mean, yeah? Yeah, and no. I just want to make sure, I guess. I don’t mean to, like, accuse you of anything. It’s just, you don’t get to see people looking at each other like that, like you two did, without it meaning anything.”

Jaemin hums, “It is unusual, I give you that. But that’s us. Look, I’m not gonna lie to your face and tell you nothing is happening between me and Jeno. God knows that’s the opposite of where I’m trying to drive this.”

“Oh?” Yukhei is a little surprised by the honesty all of a sudden.

Jaemin rolls his eyes and sighs a little theatrically, “Jeno has this thing, where he’s set on not getting into a relationship in high school because apparently, about nine out of ten relationships of high school sweethearts fail within two years,” he finishes in a mock voice. “It’s dumb, but I have no other choice than to go along with it. He said he’ll give us a chance at university. So I’m being patient.”

“Huh, that’s a different type of story from what I thought I was gonna hear.” Yukhei is trying to digest it and remembers Guanheng’s words, _maybe they are like us, best friends but sometimes more._ “So, you’re just fucking around until you’re in college and then he’s gonna be your boyfriend?”

“I mean, ideally. But, right now, I’m mostly trying to figure myself out? It sounds silly, but Jeno is so set on having only a real, mature relationship and nothing less, I can’t show up in uni being the same dumb 17-year old who asked him out just hoping for the best. I guess some people are worth figuring your shit out for,” he finishes with a shrug.

Yukhei lets the last statement nest into his mind properly. Jaemin’s devotion is at least a little admirable. Trying to dispel the suddenly serious atmosphere, Yukhei says, “Sounds like a really elaborate way of saying you’re dating around until the real thing comes around.” He sends Jaemin a smile and is delighted when he returns it.

“I mean, don’t we all do that? The only difference is that I know what my real thing is gonna be. But,” his voice drops into a little more serious tone again, “for full disclosure, I would have told you about him on our next date. It’s my thing, I tell guys on the third date that this here,” he motions between them, “is something easy and fun and my heart is elsewhere. Albeit to say, I rarely make it to a fourth date.”

“I believe you would.” Yukhei tries to gather the courage to say his bit as well. “While we’re on this honesty train, I think I should also tell you something?”

Jaemin perks up, “Yes? Spill,” all curious and excited, as if Yukhei was about to share gossip with him, which - maybe it could classify as such.

“I have a best friend, Guanheng,” he starts in a small voice, not looking at Jaemin. “He means a lot to me, there’s nothing real between us, but we’re not strictly platonic.”

“You in love with him?” Jaemin asks in a soft voice, curious but careful.

Yukhei frowns, shakes his head, “No, we’re not. He’s not in love with me.”

“And you?”

Yukhei slumps his shoulders, “That’s the thing. I don’t fall in love. I never have. I’m not sure I’m capable of that. I just know I don’t wanna date someone who is in love with me, cause that never ends well.”

Jaemin is quiet for a moment, looking Yukhei up and down, taking it in. Then his face breaks into a smile again, nudging at his ribs with his elbow, “Then we’re gonna be a perfect match!”

And just like that, Yukhei starts dating a boy with an expiration date. It feels weirdly freeing, knowing Jaemin is in love with someone else, and they’re just going to meet up whenever possible to go on dates and maybe make out a little. A silly part of Yukhei can’t wait to tell Guanheng about the guy from the library, triumphant he was right.

🍏 

“Wanna hear about Friday?” Yukhei repeats his own words from last weekend, plopping down onto Guanheng’s bed with a bowl of stale popcorn next to him.

Guanheng takes his eyes off his book, looks confused for a second as if he’s forgotten or hasn’t known about Yukhei’s date. Yukhei can see the millisecond it clicks in his brain when he remembers, “Yeah, sure. How was it?” he asks casually, putting the book away and reaching over for some popcorn. “There gonna be a third date?”

Yukhei grins, “Yeah, yeah, possibly. I mean we have no plans yet, but it went well.” He looks up at Guanheng then, he looks almost disinterested. Yukhei remembers what Guanheng asked about last week and maybe hopes that revisiting that topic gets a reaction. “He kissed me this time, though.”

Guanheng’s face relaxes, he doesn’t take his eyes off Yukhei, “Oh,” he clears his throat, “Good. That’s good. You like him then?”

Yukhei just scoffs, “I don’t have to like everyone I kiss. But no, no, actually. I have something to tell you.” 

Guanheng doesn’t prompt him verbally but just leans closer, as he always would when Yukhei has some gossip to share. 

Yukhei and Jaemin agreed they would tell Jeno and Guanheng about their thing - that’s what Jaemin called it, _their thing_. It’s not really a relationship, it’s more like an extracurricular dating. “The guy we saw him with? At the library, the other day? They’re into each other,” Yukhei says nodding along, emphasizing that he was right, there is something between them. “Apparently, he doesn’t wanna date yet and told Jaemin to date and enjoy his youth or whatever. So it works out perfectly, I get to date someone who would never like me and so I don’t have to worry about fucking it up.”

Yukhei honestly thought Guanheng would be glad. Maybe he naively hoped Guanheng wouldn’t want the competition, maybe he hoped Guanheng would want him. It stings a little when he sees Guanheng’s face fall, shoulders slumping as he questions, “Why date him then? If you don’t like each other? And you both know it’s not leading anywhere.”

Yukhei shrugs, “I dunno. He’s fun to be around.” Guanheng looks at him disapprovingly. “What?” Yukhei demands, “I thought you would be happy. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Happy?” Guanheng deadpans, voice sharp. “Why would I be happy about that, Yukhei? You’re going to willingly waste your time on someone who’s not worth it.”

“What is it with you, all of a sudden?” Yukhei can hear his own bitter tone and is the same amount surprised and worried that he should be nicer, speak smaller and not make a big deal out of this. “You said I should date, that you don’t mind! This is good, Guanheng,” he reaches out for his palm and Guanheng lets him; doesn’t link their fingers together but also doesn’t pull away - small victories. “You said it yourself, once I find someone I want to seriously date we would need to stop,” Yukhei still hasn’t found the right term, “stop whatever it is we’re doing. We can just keep it up like this. Isn’t that what you want?” he asks, voice pleading, hopeful.

Guanheng is looking at him like Yukhei’s lost his mind. “Is it what you want, Yukhei?” His voice is calm, too collected, cold. “You don’t like me like that. We’re not Jaemin and his future boyfriend. It makes sense for him, sure, but you,” he sounds disappointed, Yukhei feels the chill run down his back. “You should be out there looking for someone who will sweep you off your feet. You thought I wanted this? Just so we can keep up our… our whatever we are?”

Yukhei keeps looking at him, there’s a hint of implacable sadness making its way into Guanheng’s features. It scares Yukhei.

Guanheng pulls at Yukhei’s finger, just playing around with his palm. With a visible pout he goes on, “I don’t want you to miss out on someone you’d like on my account. I’m chill with you dating if you’re looking for your happiness, because Yukhei,” he looks up at him and Yukhei’s eyes snap up to Guanheng’s face as well, “I just want you to be happy.”

“I want you to be happy, too,” Yukhei admits in a small voice.

There’s a ghost of a smile at Guanheng’s lips and Yukhei’s heart swells a little.

“Guanheng,” the words are making their way out of Yukhei’s mouth without his prior approval. He can feel himself being terrified, yet going forward with it still. “Do you think we should stop?”

Guanheng looks up at him, all color drained from his face. He opens his mouth twice as if to say something, but no sounds make it out. “Why?” he’s barely whispering, as if unsure of every syllable, “You just said you wanted to keep this up?”

“I don’t want us having fun to cost us our friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with you like this,” Yukhei squeezes Guanheng’s hand; feeling the weak squeeze back makes him breathe easier. “But I cannot imagine my life without you in it. And just the thought that we could, like, argue about shit - boys, dating, whatever, I dunno. One day the argument might not end well, right? I mean, think about it,” he can feel his face getting warmer, a lump forming in his throat, “When did you ever hear about friends with benefits being a good idea?”

Guanheng smiles up at him sadly, he takes Yukhei’s hand in both his palms, draws small circles with his thumb across his knuckles. “I always saw it as something else than friends with benefits. Because we’re both not very typical, are we? I have no intention of dating, maybe ever, definitely not yet. But not having anyone close, it makes you a little cold after so many years, lonely, in a way. Up until a few weeks ago, the last time someone held my hand was probably in kindergarten and it was either of my parents as we were crossing the street. No one’s hugged me for real, like you do, probably ever.” Guanheng looks up at him again, a little embarrassed, perhaps, “Of course I got used to your touch, and your warmth. Yukhei you’re literally the only person I ever found attractive. That’s just my thing,” he says with a shrug. “And you,” he says after a beat, catching Yukhei’s attention again, “You have a lot of affection to give out, just haven’t found the right person for you yet. So yeah, it works out for both of us, in the end. I don’t think it’s the typical friends with benefits failure story.”

Yukhei takes a moment to take it all in. It does make sense, they are like two fucked up puzzle pieces that miraculously fit together snuggly.

As if reading Yukhei’s mind again, Guanheng says, “I don’t think we’re anyhow fucked up, Yukhei. We’re too young for that yet. You said this to me once, not everything needs to happen before you’re twenty and then it’s game over. We’re literally in high school. There’s plenty of time to figure shit out.”

Yukhei is a little afraid to talk right now, worried his voice would crack and he might have to sniffle back a sob. Instead of saying anything, he leans forwards, to kiss under Guanheng’s ear softly. And maybe he keeps his lips there a beat longer, just inhaling his scent, nosing under his jaw. To Yukhei’s total delight, Guanheng basically melts against him, hugs him around his shoulders slowly. 

And in Guanheng’s arms is his safe spot, so Yukhei gets the courage to ask again, “Okay. But, aren’t you worried we’re fucking it up? I really don’t wanna lose you as a friend over this, however good it is.” His heart is hammering against his chest, fear making his voice quiver.

Guanheng exhales a little laugh against Yukhei’s nape, clinging to him closer, “You’re not gonna,” he makes them pull away slowly. Looking up at Yukhei, he smiles gently, “No matter what happens, I always want us to be best friends. You will always be my best friend first and a best friend with benefits second. You’re not getting the latter without the former. My attraction to you is based on our friendship mostly, so you can’t really break that spell. If you one day will come up to me and say we’re going to be just friends, that’s chill. I can deal with not getting kissed, I’m used to that. But I’m not used to not having you as a best friend, that would kill me. I’m not doing that. Okay?” 

Guanheng reaches out to maybe ruffle Yukhei’s hair, but Yukhei just leans into the touch. “I don’t ever wanna not be your best friend, either.”

With a smile, Guanheng reassures him again, “Date whoever you want. Just tell me if you need me to lay off you in public, or at all.”

“Why are you literally the best guy in the world?” Yukhei drawls, kissing the heart of Guanheng’s palm.

“Isn’t that what best friends are for?”

And Yukhei supposes it is. There’s plenty of time to figure their shit out, they can as well do so together. After all, Guanheng is his best friend, and he’s not going anywhere; whether they kiss in their spare time or not. Sometimes, the platonic type of love is more important than having crushes and whatnot. Maybe Yukhei’s way of being in love is with someone he’s known his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how was it? c:  
> let me know with a comment, those are always appreciated ♡


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